Demetri Martin

A while ago, my friend Diana introduced me to a comdeian named Demetri Martin. I forgot all about him, and a few weeks ago Eric came home from work dying over some of these quotes from Demetri. Now, I'm totally hooked. Just like any comdeian, you kind of have to pick and choose some stuff, but he's really clever and unique. Here are some of his fun quotes.

- I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

- The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury. The ice is even worse. When there’s liquid in there yeah it’s fine; it’s like a pool party. “Hey we’re keeping everything cool.” I’m talking about when I get to the bottom and it’s just me and the ice. I’m like, ok just one of you. Come on I just want something to chew on; come on. And the ice is like, “Hold…hold…everybody now!”

- When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

- I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’

- I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … dang.

- I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’

- I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’

- I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’

- I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

- I like to stand near ATM machines and when people come up and type in their pin number, i go "Got it!" and then run away.